Yup that's me. I know I'm not the only woman who feels this way. And honestly it took me a long time to realize that being labeled as a mom (since the age of 19 no less) put a LOT of pressure on my identity. Moms don't make mistakes, they don't do things they wouldn't want their children to do, they stay in abusive relationships "for the sake of the children", they cook and clean, make things better, they teach, nurse back to health, oh and have full times jobs, in or outside the home, they are wise and soft and pretty, but not too pretty, and not full of themselves, but confident, a good example- you know? Yeah me either. This is the point of view from the inside of all my insecurities about "who I should be as a mom". Its what I grew up with, and what I was taught, intentionally or unintentionally, and I haven't even gotten deep yet, whoa. So let's start with a proper introduction. My name is Leimomi Consuelo Venegas Beltran, with Venegas being my married name. Its a long name so most people call me Mo, but you can call me L.C because I don't really know you (yet!) and I think it sounds cool. My heritage and I'm sure you've taken a guess already, is 2nd generation Mexican American on my dads side, Coast Salish, Spanish, and Korean on my moms, we have a little native Hawaiian mixed in their somewhere too (hence my first name lei, which means, well, lei, and momi which means pearl). Seattle has my heart because that's where I was born and raised, but I currently live in Tacoma, the very tip, so far south that's its not even in city limits. I'm thirty years old. I'm married. I have 4 amazing children, 3 that I gave birth to, and one stepson who don't see as often as we'd like but that's what happens when you have two very involved parents who have to share. I do not work outside the home. It's a good life. But since the day I became a mother I was stuck with this identity that was being "a mom". I've struggled with depression, relationship crisis, family drama, shattered career dreams, frustration in unachieved goals and plans. Its like I had this whole other life I was neglecting because my life was trying to be this image of who a mom was and WHO I WAS always took second place, actually it didn't even make the list. I wasn't living in balance and then one day I just snapped. It was a bad time, complete with tears and marriage separation and anti depressants and a year of numbness that left me without any attachment to my children or anything really, but I was still going through the motions. It's crazy looking back on it now in retrospect. I went to counseling which I didn't really give a long enough time to help. Then I somehow just let go. I wanted to have fun again, to FEEL again. I almost wish I could say that was the answer, but it was more of a starting point, and I wasn't as responsible as I could have been- it was the whole no one matters but me stage. It helped. I missed my kids and my husband made huge changes and brought us back together. That was four years ago and its been a journey. I went through the honey moon stage of balance where everything seemed perfect, I've fallen back into old habits, I've been too selfish at times. I've had countless realizations. I heard someone talk recently about how someone (let me know who) said you can't connect the dots forward, you can only connect the dots backward. My depression, my marriage crisis, my shattered career goals, and unmet plans, it never started with mother hood. Mother hood was the scapegoat, the thing I focused on so much that I didn't have to deal with unhealed wounds. I didn't have to remember that I was a person with very real human experiences, traumas, and feelings, because I could focus on this image that I could strive to become instead of just being what I am, which is a woman, who happens to have babies.
